March 26, 2005
now with time enough to feel
Hard to even write about this last one, this recent, rotted, overwhelming undertow. Some things are just bigger than words allow, and so with pathetic resignation I find myself talking in a trance, watching words babble out my mouth, feeling like I’m playing a harp with oven mitts.
A month ago, my wife and I were joyful beyond measure, celebrating the birth of our adopted baby girl, watching with reverence the miracle of her every move, learning the rhythm of feedings and car seats and diaper changes. Then… the birthparents changed their minds.
They took her back.
And now with time enough to feel. I guess the project push was holding my insides together, because now it’s not. Surveying my terrain, two words come to mind: scorched earth.
Good news I guess, then. I’m destroyed.
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